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The 10 best ugly Christmas jumpers to buy for Christmas 2018

Cosy fodder for festive hipsters

Image: Taobao
Nothing says 'I'm visibly trying to have fun at my office Christmas party' like a garish Christmas jumper. These days, Grandma's knitted-with-love sweater has gone mainstream and it's now the uglier the better. Here are the ten best (we use the term best lightly) ugly Christmas jumpers to buy online now.

Buff Rudolph

Image: via Amazon.cn

Rudolph is here and you don't like how he's looking at your wife. His daily calorific intake is so high, you don't know if you've made enough pigs-in-blankets and you've already run out of eggnog after he insisted on drinking it by the pint. He's so jacked on steroids he keeps on deadlifting the Christmas tree and, again, you really don't like how he's looking at your wife. From 172RMB on Amazon

Smoking sloth

Image: via Amazon.cn

We aren't sure why this exists either, but if you want to see a sloth that is even more laid-back than usual – you can work out the reason for that on your own – this is the sweater for you. It's a perfect conversation starter at that awkward holiday gathering where you're meeting your significant other's family for the first time. From 156RMB on Amazon

Get Yeti for Christmas

Image: via Amazon.cn

Husband: 'Hey, are you yeti for Christmas?'
Wife: 'Sorry, what?'
Husband: 'I'm nearly yeti, just gotta buy a couple more presents.'
Wife: 'What are you talking about?'
Husband: 'Yeti sounds like ready, duh!'
Wife: 'No it doesn't.'
Husband: 'You're definitely not yeti for Christmas or yeti for my great puns.'
Wife: 'I'm leaving you, Darren.'


Image: via Taobao

'No food after midnight,' shouts your mum. At first, you think she's referencing your cool new Gremlinssweater, but she's actually just laying down the law and putting an embargo on the leftover turkey in the fridge. 'I'm making sandwiches tomorrow.' You try to order waimai, but realise that late-night delivery isn't really a thing back home and you're going to have to go to an actual shop and use actual cash. You took two flights and a bus to get back but it feels like you hopped in a time machine... From 79RMB on Taobao

Unnecessarily muscular Christmas cat

Image: via Taobao

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... because all the mice had been caught and f*cked up by this muscular mao. Look at its abs. LOOK AT THEM! From 65RMB on Taobao

Christmas on acid

Image: via Amazon.cn

It's Christmas Eve and you think someone has slipped something in your mulled wine. You're tripping baubles and this is what you see every time you close your eyes. 'How did the T-Rex put on the hat? Its arms are too short!' you scream. You'll be coming down to Earth on Christmas morning harder than Santa down a chimney. From 148RMB on Amazon

Hairy and scary

Image: via Taobao

'Whoa, cover yourself up!' laughs Jane from HR as you pour yourself a drink. 'I'll get you a razor for Christmas!' Wang from IT bellows. Everyone loves your jumper and you think the office party might actually be good this year. 'You are so fat and hairy and have made such bad choices when it comes to tattoos and piercings you could be mistaken for not wearing a jumper at all!' says Phil from sales, simultaneously ruining your mood and the entire evening. Thanks, Phil... From 85RMB on Taobao

It's Christmas, bitches!

Image: via Amazon.cn

'It's Christmas, bitches!' your uncle shouts as he bursts through your front door. But it's not Christmas, is it? It's December 16. He arrives slightly earlier each year and also seems to leave slightly later. It's been three Christmases since your aunt left him – you aren't exactly sure why; something to do with a terrible yeti pun, maybe – and he hasn't gotten over it. From 163RMB on Amazon

Sexy(?) Santa

Image: via Taobao

Mum's new boyfriend is a mall Santa and they like to utilise the costume in the bedroom. This was the scene you walked in on last night. You really regret going home for the holidays. From 69RMB on Taobao

Carlton Banks

Image: via Taobao

By Adam Hopkins

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