The travel pages of this magazine are invariably packed with super-adventurous activities, recounted in breathless tones, all put together in an effort to inspire you into getting out there. You know the sort of thing: trekking across Taiwan, dancing with ethnic minorities in Yunnan, sashaying down the Silk Road in Pakistan. But sometimes, just sometimes, you don’t want to be culturally enriched or physically challenged. You want to sit on a beach doing nothing. You want to dine in comfort and swim in a fancy pool before heading back to your fancy room and watching a fancy film (or, failing that, a second-rate Ben Stiller movie on HBO). Quite frankly, my dear, you want to kick back in a resort and not give a damn.
And there is absolutely no shame in that. Forget the Facebook lies people peddle about ‘the experience of a lifetime’ they had slogging up some mountain trail. The reality is they were spending their precious holiday time in a rickety hut, wearing sweaty socks and a four-day-old T-shirt. You, my friend, work too hard to bother with that nonsense. You deserve to unwind in the lap of luxury. Or at least somewhere near luxury’s thighs. There are, however, some potential problems with this plan.
First off, let’s think about money. You want to treat yourself by splashing the cash, but dropping a stack of red Maos on a few nights at a swanky resort is not the end of the affair. Oh no, you will also have to fork out for all your meals, not to mention booze (come on, you’re unwinding!), plus tips here, there and every-bloody-where. Next thing you know, your carefully budgeted break has just broken your budget. And then there is the problem of company. You may have annoyingly active friends. Or, worse still, children. Two categories of travelling companion destined to ruin your dreams of silently sinking into a mess of mojitos by the pool.
There is, however, a solution. And it is to be found on the east coast of Peninsular Malaysia. The answer, I discovered after four blissful days on Cherating Beach, comes in the form of seven simple letters: Club Med. I could bore you with details of the 45-minute drive from Kuantan to the resort, but with a friendly rep meeting you at the airport, and then direct transfers to this beautiful bubble, you won’t care much about what lies between. And nor should you. Because a holiday here is all about what is offered inside this stylish sanctuary. Namely, 4km of unspoilt beaches aside the jade-green South China Sea, 80 hectares of tropical forest to explore, accommodation in traditional kampong-style wooden-stilt ‘bungalows’, plus all the usual bar, restaurant and pool shenanigans.
Those of you worrying about problem one – a bill spiralling out of control – will be pleased to hear that everything is inclusive: from buffet meals to unlimited drinks throughout the day. There’s also an Olympian number of activities for those blighted by problem two: archery, rock climbing, kayaking, basketball, sailing, golf – the list goes on. It’s all here, and at no extra cost. Hell, you can even try out the resort’s circus trapeze or its brand- new tree-top adventure course, which allows you to monkey around in the jungle. Talking of monkeys, they’re all over this eco-nature resort and are seriously cute; just remember to lock your balcony door, otherwise they’ll enter your room in search of food, which sounds sweet – until they shit on your bed.
Energetic adults will struggle to run out of things to do, while parents can rest safe in the knowledge that their children are free to wander for the day under the watchful eye and instruction of the resort’s eager-to-please reps (or GOs, as this French-founded company calls them; Gentils Organisateurs, apparently). This is family fun 101. Such is the emphasis placed on creating a kid-friendly atmosphere there is even a nightly stage show (yes, despite Malaysia’s humidity, the GOs are so keen to entertain that they’ll endure hot stage lights for your children’s pleasure).
Sure, watching a troupe of smiling reps mouthing along to The Lion King soundtrack isn’t exactly what a grumpy 29-year-old male in the midst of an existential crisis is after. But the kids absolutely loved it. And that is the key to this great escape. You can bring the whole family and there’ll be something for everyone, whether that be sun, sand and sea; booze and bed; or grown men dressed as pirates. You won’t get that on one of those smug adventure holidays. Other than Somalia, perhaps. But they may not be so nice to your kids. Right, Malaysia it is…
Essential info
Getting there
Return flights from Beijing to Kuantan Airport with
Malaysia Airlines start from 4,540RMB (plus tax).
Where to stay
Club Med Cherating Beach offers an all-inclusive package from 1,245RMB per adult per night, 750RMB per child aged 4-11 and 125RMB per child aged two-three. For reservations, call +60 3759 7567 or
go online.