Donald Trump, former reality star, Tweeter-in-Chief and America's 45th President, touches down in Beijing today for what's set to be one of the most important foreign trips of his presidency so far. While his schedule's sure to be absolutely jam-packed, we thought we'd give the Donald a few suggestions on how to make the most out of his short time here in our brilliant city.
Things to do
First things first, you've gotta find a way around the Great Firewall of China. And while you may be a fan of walls, if you don't hook yourself up with a VPN you won't be able to tweet while in Beijing (sad!). Choose from either VpyrVPN, ExpressVPN, Astrill, StrongVPN or NordVPN to make sure your tweetstorms don't peter out to a drizzle.
probably heard some good things about the Great Wall of China, and
while your own Mexico-funded wall is sure to be absolutely yuge, get
some pointers from a wall that's over 2,000 years old. For a detailed
guide to all its sections, check out Time Out Beijing's
extremely handy Ultimate Guide to the Great Wall
to pick out your preferred location.
At Beijing's many adorable cat cafes, you don't even have to be a star to 'grab 'em by the pussy'. Nibble on food, sip hot beverages and stroke
litters of adorable fluffy felines while reminding them that you used to
host The Apprentice
. Pay a visit to Meow Bar & Coffee to hang out with a staggering number of fluffy comrades located right in Sanlitun.
North Korea and its Little Rocket Man who's boss by visiting the Embassy of
the Democratic People's Republic of Korea located in Chaoyang. Get out
from behind your phone screen and flip them the bird in the ultimate act
of defiance (just make sure you get in close in case they can't make
out your hands).
Let's be honest, you've been working now for five
days straight touring Asia and frankly, you're absolutely knackered.
Take a break from your gruelling schedule by teeing off at one of
Beijing's many golf courses. While it certainly ain't cheap (who cares? Your tax returns definitely say you're a billionaire), Bayhood No.9 Golf Club
is the largest golf course in Beijing and features 18 holes, a
full-service spa, restaurants and more. For the rest of us 99
percenters, there's also Jinghua Golf Club, Beijing International Golf Club and Huatang Golf Club to take a punt at.
We understand you're fairly attached to the same cut of suit you've been wearing since the '80s, however if you'd like to branch out and own a suit that actually fits, then we've got you sorted. Head out to see the dapper folks at Principle M or Suitsupply for a perfectly tailored, sleek new suit that matches your formidable business acumen.
Refresh that healthy orange glow by visiting one of Beijing's tanning salons. Consider a visit to sunbed manufacturer MegaSun's flagship CBD salon in SOHO Shangdu, or check out Luxura Tanning Center in Sanlitun to maintain that perfect shade of Fanta.
There are people who are saying that your daughter Ivanka is one of the classiest women ever. Many people. The best people. Buy your daughter (and Melania, we guess) a unique, one-of-a-kind gift at one of Beijing's brilliant independent boutiques. Check out Anchoret for avant-garde clothing from different designers, Sanlipop for fashion-forward bags and apparel, FNJI for sleek high-end furniture and loads more.
Eat and Drink
Who cares if you're in China? You're the Donald, and none of this foreign muck appeals to your refined all-American palate. Head to Home Plate
, Slow Boat
, Fatboy's the Burger Bar
for satisfyingly meaty burgers
, then wash it all down with a thickshake
from Moka Bros
You love Mexicans. In fact, nobody respects Mexicans and Hispanics more than you. If you're feeling slightly adventurous then skip all the American grub and remind all the haters that you don't think Mexicans are that bad. For down and dirty Tex-Mex cuisine you can't go past Ron Mexico or Q Mex, but for something a little more authentic, check out Taco Bar. They may not serve taco bowls like they do in Trump Tower, but we promise you this Mexican food will hit the spot.
It ain't collusion if you're struck by a sudden hankering for borscht. To fix your craving for Soviet-style cuisine, head to Moscow Restaurant for old-world Mother Russia vibes, Dacha for an exceptionally diverse Ukrainian-Russian menu or Traktirr Pushkin for comforting, authentic home-cooking. Just make sure you forego all talk of future elections.